Full-time work on this manuscript is back on. I collected what I needed to collect to continue.
As for what's going on with me, I'd rather not talk about it. It's not a matter of safety anymore. It's mostly good. I'm putting it in the prose of this story. Hard to believe that this is what I needed all this time. Searching and searching, almost losing my mind, trying to figure out why it wasn't yet the right time to write. I had to collect, collect, collect--something. I didn't know what. I have it now. I'm oddly satisfied. Oddly, because it's not what I expected. That's the beauty of these things, anyway. I'm adapting instead of fighting it.
I finally feel like I can exhale again. I'd been waiting to do it for months. This is a ridiculous process I go through, but it works for me.
As for the change in title. I had this nagging thought that people would see the word Ruska and be confused.
"What does it mean?"
"What language is it?"
"How does it connect to the story?"
"Why didn't you pick something that's easier to understand without an explanation?"
That last one is irrelevant for all I care. The other three aren't readily apparent, so I changed the title. It's the third book in a trilogy. The waltz makes sense, stylistically, that way. The black is obviously edgy and dark because why the fuck not. This manuscript starts off with the foundations I set up in my Black Waltz fic two years ago. The scenes between the pair later on in the story are from my Ruska fic. But their overall dynamic and the ongoing conflict between them as a couple is brand new. Fresh. This is the exact type of relationship I've wanted to write for years...except I was too scared to do it before. I thought it would be too controversial. It's not traditional. It's not always romantic--and I'm a romance author, oh no.
It's inspired by two of my favorite films: Black Swan (2011) and Great Expectations (1998). Say what you will about Black Swan, but it told a story of an artist's descent into madness that resonated with me, deeply. It scares me, still, to this day, so the only option is to write about it. Great Expectations influenced the way I sacrifice myself for other people in relationships to the point of destroying myself; or otherwise, I keep them at such a distance, watching as they sacrifice themselves for me. I never know which side I fully represent. I could go either way. It scares me, so the only option is to write about it.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
It's the only way forward. So I'm going there. I won't look back.