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Vespair

Anarchy.

I write for the ones without a voice.

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studies, thoughts.
Caius
yoshiyuki_ly
The review I wrote for Shin Megami Tensei IV: Apocalypse - https://filmgamesetc.com/shin-megami-tensei-iv-apocalypse-2016-review/. Overall, it's a standout game for me and a great Megami Tensei experience. Would have given it a perfect score if not for what I mentioned in my last post.

I'm keeping up with my Japanese studies online. I went ahead and signed up for a class to take as an elective for my humanities degree. I don't like school--I've been bored of academics since the 3rd grade--but I'm almost done with this degree. Should be finished with it by the end of summer next year. The only classes that ever challenged me in the ways I need to be challenged were my English and Japanese ones in 11th and 12th grade. Everything else felt irrelevant to me. Not much has changed since then.

Going back to my hard mode run of Persona 5 feels strange. It's a good study tool. It's just that I don't know who to romance this time. The female characters are all good. But the party members are all teenagers, and I'm a bit too old for the "I've never been in a relationship" types of shy moments IRL and in games. P5 relies on those to play up the romance. Yeah, there are the adult characters, but they're not main characters, so they're obviously not as fleshed out. I'm torn about not being able to romance Sae, because I want to, but logistically speaking, why the fuck would she mess around with a teenage boy? I'm glad Atlus held off on that for character agency reasons...except I'm not, because I don't see myself as a teenage boy like the MC is. Ugh.

I almost forgot the Final Fantasy XIV Fan Fest is this weekend. And my birthday is tomorrow. I'm more preoccupied with holding on to a few feelings so that I can write them down. They're heavy, and meaningful, and euphoric, and catastrophic, and they get in the way of certain things, but they make everything in my life work. Trust and dependency are two concepts that are foreign to me. Part of why I'm in love with Persona 5 is because I felt those things, unexpectedly, toward Sae during a critical moment in the game. It helps me write Ruska better, in a strange way.

Also solidified an idea for a novella that gives more background on Vespair's character. It'll be a companion piece for The Scorpion's Empress, Venus and Lysander, and Ruska. I'm taking concepts I included in Vagrant Honor, my Final Fantasy XII fic, and reworking them here. I'll title it Anathema. This song from Kingsglaive sounds exactly like Vespair's character to me. I was up the other night possessed by these ideas. It's another instance of me tearing myself apart to put onto the page. Old wounds that I know haven't healed somehow make sense to revisit here. I don't want to get into it too much.

My priorities are finishing Ruska and tweaking Twisted Allure and getting those published first. This book will distract me from my planned last swan song that people still message me about to this day.

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