I had a dream about her. I blame Persona 3 for this recent one. I've had many dreams about her over the years.
The difference this time is that I don't wake up with an anxiety attack whenever it happens. This is normal to me now.
Over the phone, I asked if we could have one time together as a final thing. First and final. She was lonely and I wanted to be there for her. She sounded interested. I heard the want in her voice. Looked at the calendar on my phone and asked if she would be free on Thursday. She said no, teasing almost, all the way until Tuesday. This was with the implication that she would be at home with her parents and siblings. We had to be quiet in her room.
I'm not sure she represents who or what I actually want. It's more like I miss the constant I had when I was in deep with her. Even though I was in a lot of pain, I knew what to expect. I understood that this decision had been made for me--to love her, no matter what. She was real. I knew where I stood. It's like night and day compared to these days when I've forsaken everyone around me. Even when I thought I'd be happy with someone else, something got in the way and I stopped feeling for them. Or I didn't feel enough. And it was too easy for me to walk away; stay away and not care.
With her, I didn't have a choice. My feelings were set. As maddening as it was, I at least knew that I wouldn't waver.
Some part of me will always love her. That's okay. I'm fine with that now. It's not the end of the world.
I woke up from that dream with Mr. Brightside playing in my head. Only because she loved The Killers. I remember her singing it in a low voice as she walked with me.
I know I said I need to finish Venus and Lysander by next month. I'm taking a short break from it. Convalescing, finding meaning again through gaming. I downloaded Persona 3 FES to my PS3. It's a good game, despite some (major) annoyances like the fatigue system in Tartarus. I should stop caring so much about why I don't care about the things and people I should. I've been stuck in this cycle of regret over why I don't feel a certain way about certain people. It's too fucking bad. I didn't care enough. There's nothing I can do about it.
I will go back to my games until it's time to return to chapter nine. I'm not using them to forget this time. I want to enrich myself and put that enrichment into this last stretch of the book. I might play Final Fantasy VI or Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne after this. I'll decide later.