Yoshiyuki Ly (yoshiyuki_ly) wrote,
Yoshiyuki Ly


This webpage is not available


...this is really making me mad.

I've been getting this message on and off over the past few days. Now it's all the time. I remember how much stress these issues caused me back in the day. As the years have gone on, my reaction has become more cynical than anything. I like writing and it is important to me. But I feel like I'm not meant to keep the same priorities that I've had for the past decade. Fanfiction was a training ground for me. When I first started out, I wrote what I thought people wanted to read. Once I found my own voice and inspirations, I slowly morphed into the writer I am today.

Most people who know me think I'm distant or cold. The truth is that I'm stuck in my own head. I don't think about how I come across to others.

Am I passionate about the wrong things? I don't make a living off of what I like doing. I feel railroaded into this path. The moment I try to explore other options, my own mind turns against me. What am I supposed to do with this energy? I've had it for nearly a decade. It's destructive and gets in the way of other things. It turns me into a terrible person. The second I think something or someone is detracting from my ambitions, I almost turn into someone else. I don't understand. I don't get why this drive to succeed as a novelist is so important to me if I haven't gotten anywhere with it. When I don't understand something that's overtaken my life, I get thrown into a dark place. The funny thing is that I've been here the whole time. I'll have moments when I think I'm all right, moments when I'm learning and moments when this place feels justified to me.

It's been one thing after another. I appreciate the clarity I have from my point of view here. Nothing's obscured. I can discern. I'm not fooled by anything. That split second when steel is about to melt, or bone is about to break, or something's about to fall: I experience that all the time. I live in it. If I can only have this perspective from where I am, then I'm happy with that. Am I pushing myself too hard? Maybe.
Tags: fic ideas, fiction as public revenge, novel ideas, vent
Comments for this post were disabled by the author