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...this is really making me mad.
I've been getting this message on and off over the past few days. Now it's all the time. I remember how much stress these issues caused me back in the day. As the years have gone on, my reaction has become more cynical than anything. I like writing and it is important to me. But I feel like I'm not meant to keep the same priorities that I've had for the past decade. Fanfiction was a training ground for me. When I first started out, I wrote what I thought people wanted to read. Once I found my own voice and inspirations, I slowly morphed into the writer I am today.
Most people who know me think I'm distant or cold. The truth is that I'm stuck in my own head. I don't think about how I come across to others.
Am I passionate about the wrong things? I don't make a living off of what I like doing. I feel railroaded into this path. The moment I try to explore other options, my own mind turns against me. What am I supposed to do with this energy? I've had it for nearly a decade. It's destructive and gets in the way of other things. It turns me into a terrible person. The second I think something or someone is detracting from my ambitions, I almost turn into someone else. I don't understand. I don't get why this drive to succeed as a novelist is so important to me if I haven't gotten anywhere with it. When I don't understand something that's overtaken my life, I get thrown into a dark place. The funny thing is that I've been here the whole time. I'll have moments when I think I'm all right, moments when I'm learning and moments when this place feels justified to me.
It's been one thing after another. I appreciate the clarity I have from my point of view here. Nothing's obscured. I can discern. I'm not fooled by anything. That split second when steel is about to melt, or bone is about to break, or something's about to fall: I experience that all the time. I live in it. If I can only have this perspective from where I am, then I'm happy with that. Am I pushing myself too hard? Maybe.