November 4th, 2019

Vespair

possessiveness.

I used to hate the thought of someone feeling possessive over me in relationships. It was a major turn-off. How could you feel so entitled to own me? I detested the thought of being anyone's property in that way, even if it wasn't necessarily a submissive thing. It was always about power dynamics.

Being possessed seemed to equal being owned, as if they held some sway over me.

I enjoyed being subservient to the women in my life, but never outright submissive.

The thought of taking that next step was terrible to me, triggering all sorts of problems for my dysphoria.

And then now that I'm writing Anathema II, about the main couple at this point in their relationship, where one character is extremely possessive in one way, and the other follows suit in their own way as well:

My whole worldview on the topic has changed because of this.

Yes, it is still about power to me. But in this case, the character who is traditionally possessive: I trust her to have this power in their dynamic. I never trusted anyone else with this power, and so their claim to it -- and to me -- disgusted me in mistrust. This power extends far beyond the character's reach: it presents the drama of the story's themes and lessons and morals. It is all-encompassing for Anathema II. It is this way because it brought me so much discomfort before, and so I'm trying to learn and reclaim my unease by seeing the beauty in it.

This one exception guides the shape and the color of the story in ways that I enjoy embracing, specifically because I'd rejected them before.

That's how I know I made the right choice.