Yeah, I'm still alive. Sorry for being MIA and whatnot, but I must admit that I'm still in dire need of a break. My sabbatical days are almost over considering college starts up again on Monday and I'll be a sophomore (second year). Classes aren't looking too hard at all -- Intro Astronomy class, intro Spanish class (for the easy A) and a high-level Creative Writing class. Femslash will be making its breakthrough in the latter, I guarantee it. I bet my Professor'll be sick of it by the end of term, but I know I'll pass with flying colours. The girlfriend and I are still together and we're doing fine just in case you're wondering.

Uhm, but yes, as for that ramble. It's starting now. Not too long, not too short...

For starters, I apologise for being the most indecisive fanfic author on the planet. Adding new stories and taking them down, adding them again, waiting a week, taking them down again... It often has absolutely nothing to do with the reviews I get for the aforementioned stories; I just don't like what I write most times. I was even going to take down CC at various intervals during that five month hell bliss of writing it, but I never did. I went through a lot, writing that, writing Raspberry, writing the Vertigo trilogy. I wrote SO much last year that it's no wonder my fingers are on the backburner this half of the year.

Raspberry was my breakthrough for fanfic. I'd never really written much of anything before that, save for a few Final Fantasy fics (het ones!!) years ago, and a Yuna/Rikku one three months prior. I used to cringe at Raspberry, but that stopped a few weeks ago. I don't really know where it came from, but it became so natural for me to reject anything I'd written that wasn't as recent as humanly possible. There started a cycle of me rejecting anything I wrote five minutes ago. Here and now was so important that I began to burn my roots, and ultimately the entire tree altogether. Reviews seemed like they were good enough to fill the gaps of the steadily burning trunk, but they were a false substitute. Poor ones at that.

Irritation arose whenever I didn't get 397242028 reviews after one day of posting something new. I wasn't trying to please any audience, any one person except for myself. That fundamental rule of writing never changed for me, but my motivation went to shits whenever I didn't have a new review in my inbox. And then I began to scorn het and slash fics because the writer would have maybe 10 chapters and 100 reviews for each. Numbers started to rule me, I suppose. The bright side was that I improved tremendously in my fury and apathy that femslash was so horribly underrated, but I was never good enough for myself.

And that's why, ladies and ladymen, I'm on a break. I'm deeply inspired by the lengthy and moving PMs and e-mails I've received in as little as a month since I started this vacation, and I've again gone back to my roots and realized that the first step to getting rid of something is admitting I have a problem. Everyone knows that, but I didn't want to admit it. I bottled it up along with my pride and took stories down with me. I bet I piss people off whenever I remove stories, and I bet I probably took the final straw when I took down Sexe en Papier out of spite. I didn't like that that story did so well because I didn't feel I wrote it to the best of my ability. But what I forgot was that while I was writing it I swore it was the best thing ever written...and that's what counts. I'd forgotten all about that in my race against myself for improvement.

That's my confession. Now every little thing I've written about Fleur and Hermione is on my fanfic page (except for Loveless and Raspberry...those are staying here). I don't know when it'll be updated with something new, as I have promised other fics, but you know. I'll eventually start work on Crimson Lies once I feel that I'm ready. Until then, I'll still be here and my e-mail connected to my fanfic account won't be going unchecked. Thanks if you read all this.

Peace out, kids.

I'm about to go eat lunch...or brunch, whatever you wanna call it...then continue writing the trilogy. I also love how I managed to filter out the random people clicking on Scowl & Sneer on ffnet and not even reading it by making the first chapter so long. 7k words, yes - that's an entire story for some. And that's barely 1/10 of the entire thing, if not just a little more than that. I find it rather funny, really. I remember just browsing the site a few days back, and saw a story named 'When a granger marries a malfoy' or something along those lines, and someone left a review saying something like 'I knew from the title that this story was going to be good!!!' Ugh.

I've ostracised myself from the community. ffnet, LJ, the internet as we know it - in terms of reading and sharing and contributing to other writers, I've isolated myself from it. Why? Because I don't want the community to consume me again. It did for a while, but then I took a step back and gave up with it. Now my only sphere involves my updates and my readers/reviewers. Seems kinda selfish, but it's working quite well for me. I'm writing for myself more than anything. That is what counts.

Ahh...what else. Hmm...oh! So I watched Sense and Sensibility. I have this HUGE thing of ideas swarming my psyche for CL. Hot damn. I'll also be outlining those today and getting to work on that. Hmm. I also have the book now. I'm good on plot - it's just their dialect and diction back then that's a little...obscure. I'm gonna have to start thinking in terms of that, um, jargon to even begin to get a grasp on it. Don't be surprised if I start writing like that once I get into the grit of things lol.

Yeah...not much else to say. Hmm. I'm off to eat now. Later.

Visionary!
Not.

I ordered a few Slytherin shirts and one with Hermione on it. Hermione! Guh. Suchadork I am. So...err. I need to vent, as the tag says.

Do you know what the hardest part about writing is? Sitting down and starting. Or at least for me, it is. Once I start I'm likely to not stop until the chapter is done and/or I fall asleep while writing with my laptop in my lap while I'm in bed. The current song I'm listening to [you should listen to it too] will be the basis for the sequel to Vertigo. Yeah. I'll get to the trilogy business now then continue to vent and boo hoo about writing it -

The sequel is the 'recovery' transition period that I need Fleur and Hermione to have. My favorite OC will be making an apperance in the next two stories, and I've no further plans for major OCs...just one. Said OC will be playing a very important role for Hermione and Fleur, so be on the lookout. Their role is in compliance with what I just described the sequel to be, so. Also, I really don't want to compare this, or the series at all, to CC. If you must know, I think my quality of writing has improved vastly from the first, say, third of CC. Don't try to compare and contrast my writing from now on with CC...it just won't do any good, as easy and fun as it is to do. It's a delicate bit of pressure I put on myself when I even think that I have a goal to accomplish by blowing you all away more this time around than how I did with CC. So just...try not to C/C with CC kthnx. I will be flexing my sexiness and sassiness fingers with this story, let me tell you... I'll let you stick that in between your legs and suck on it for a while. Bahahah.

The final string in the trilogy will be Cre.A.Tive. E.Mo.Tive. That's right! Yea. Uhm. The first chapter will be...interesting. I can't comment on anything else because I'll be spoiling the surprise, but I suppose I'll just say Kingdom Hearts. lol. Even then, that's just scratching the surface. 'Seeds' is a more adequate hint lol.

And back to writing...yes, yes... Woe is me, such an esteemed [hopefully!] fanfic author. But really, I do write for myself more than anything. It sounds selfish, but you'll go down a scary road writing for the reviews no matter how many you get. 700+ reviews for a seventeen-chaptered story is remarkable, 'specially for femslash. Even still, I don't write and expect every single of the thousand or so people who read my stories to review. It's reckless and unimaginable, even, to think that they would. I have a solid network of about ~40 people who I can always count on to review, and that's very comforting.

Hmm. What else..? Well, it's kind of hard to string ephemeral ideas and thoughts into concrete words. It's like trying to catch smoke and meld it into oil in your hands to paint with. And then...the more people that read your work, the more people that incinerate your work and spark wildfires of more motivation inside of you, the more you'll want to keep doing the impossible until it seems possible and second-nature to you. But there are only so many things, so many...neurons [?] that can burn around us and turn into smoke, given that they're adequate ideas. Sometimes the smoke will cloud you, sometimes the oil will overpower you, sometimes your hands will be too soiled by the oil for there to be any room for new oil...it'll harden. I'm still chipping off the bits of CC, but some of it will never go away. The bits that don't have started to meld with my hand, burying into my skin, my veins, and flowing to my heart to stay. Some keep circulating, but most stay in that one place.

So how am I to surpass what's been engrained in the end product of my work? I don't know what my work will end up as until it's finished, meaning I don't know if I will truly surpass it. So...that's also a big qualm I have with comparisons to CC. I know it's all good and fun but those 'bits' of CC are very fragile. I think they break a little when I even think of kicking them out by moving on to bigger and better things.

Enough with the allegories... I need to nap. Yeah it's 5 in the afternoon and the sun is still out, barely melting the snow, but I've just been very tired and emotional lately. Perhaps this song has something to do with it. Perhaps not. Though I notice that I seem to enjoy isolating myself from people who get too close to me. But one sting from them, no matter what the source, I'll bury myself away from them. Mmm...interesting.

Buenas tardes.

So I'm like 1/5 done with chapter 13 for Vertigo. I was thinking about making it LONG like CC but I don't think I will. That was the best AND worst five months of my life, writing that story. Best because I found out a lot about myself but worst because of how hard it was to go about doing that. However, I do know that I have a tendency to let myself run free with my ideas. Though this song www.youtube.com/watch I'm listening to right now will play a huge role in the future. Who knows.. with everything I have in mind I may churn out half a million words again. We'll see.

Yep. So I ought to stop procrastinating and write this chapter before the weekend's over. I just keep yawning like crazy.. eh. I'll write after I take a nap -_-

One wayward dream can have an astounding effect on me.

In case you don't know, I had a huge crush on, or may have even been in love with, a girl named Antoinette. No, I don't think I still do. But I had a dream about her yesterday that made the angst in chapter 59 of CC possible.

She and I were in a house, in a large room, just...being friendly. Hugging, laying on each other, laughing, talking, etc. Blankets were abundant, but we were just on the floor. I think it's because of how many times I've described Fleur and Hermione sitting and talking in bed. The odd thing is that I woke up with a strange acid in my throat, like I was about to throw up. Then I started listening to this song and I cried for three hours in between trying to write that chapter.

She knows how I felt. That's not the problem. I just thought I was over her, then I suddenly have a dream about her and she's all I think about, just like the old days. I'm pretty damn sure she's the first and only one I've ever felt something extremely powerful for. Funny this is that she's single now. But she's straight, and she's stubbornly refusing to keep up with high school chums, me included. I'm essentially doing the same thing, so I'm hardly concerned about her motives.

I'm going back home for the holidays, and now I just can't stop wondering if I should go talk to her mom. She won't be back until after me, and I don't really want to see her. But you know, there is a part of me that knows I'd take her if she'd have me. I mean, come on...she's attractive as hell, and I know that she's a wonderful person. I just hate unrequited love. I hate that I even loved her to begin with.

When I first wrote CC, I made Fleur into the image of Antoinette that I was afraid of if I told her how I felt. Hermione's frustration mirrors my own. Her worries about keeping Fleur's attention, not being good enough for her, hating herself for loving her to begin with...that's me. I'd been trying to put that in the back of my mind, and the back and forth struggle they had was essentially my struggles in a nutshell. In a more metaphorical sense, I suppose.

But you know what...this may be just the kick I need to keep CC going with the same force. I'm honestly tempted to just delete everything else and never write again after CC. I did mention that in a post earlier, but not the deleting part. I feel that Raspberry doesn't really represent me as a person anymore. I've grown so much more with CC. Sexe en Papier was just a fluke one shot I wrote on my high school graduation day that turned into so much more. Queen of Hearts...random plot bunny. Loveless and all of my other stories here they're just...bleh.

Um, alright...I've made up my mind.

I'm going to stop Raspberry. I can't write it anymore. There are no ideas for 6th year besides training. I know people are going to be disappointed, but it's been two weeks since I've updated and I don't have an ounce of ideas for it.

Anyway, when I go back home for break, I have until January 5th 'till college starts up again. I may spend most of it prepping for classes. A lot of writing will be included in my break, of course. And...just trying to grow up a little more. I'm 18 but I don't feel like an adult at all. Just a lost teenager with so many responsibilities and expectations, really. I love writing CC, but it won't put clothes on my back. I love it more than anything and everything I've ever loved, Antoinette included. I refuse to give up on it; it WILL be finished. And it's going to be long. I'm nowhere near being done with it yet.

As for Antoinette...I'll ask her to read it when it's done. Until then, I'll be writing it for her.

ok. So I'm a little ticked at steadily declining reviews for my most 'prized' story on ffnet. Now that I'm really sitting to think about it, I only like three chapters out of 52. THREE. 14, 33, and 50. Those are the only ones where I felt like I wasn't just writing out of my ass. If you must know - yes, the other 49 chapters were essentially written out of my ass. I know a lot of authors talk down on their work, and I'm no exception. I guess it's just a little frustrating that so few people review. Grr.

Also, I went back and read Sexe en Papier today. It's amazing how much I've grown as a writer since I finished it, thinking it was the best thing I'd ever written. Now after I've read it after a few months, I think it's quite bad compared to CC. I'd love to continue that trend, but people just don't review because they're too busy. I guess I'm going to have to wait until the summer to start a new story, if I decide to even stick with it. Ugh. It's just too irritating, because I have oodles of ideas for new stories. I might end up dumping all of them in CC and leave Word closed once it's all said and done at this point. I don't know.

I am too much of a spoiled, whiny perfectionist. But I know exactly where I'm going to take my break with CC. Not give up; heavens no. But a break. That's all. It's still a long ways off, so don't fret. I'm going to keep chugging along regardless of reviews, but I'll be fine as long as I blow off some steam every now and then. Like now. I'm going to write chapter 53, then go back to studying.

Merci pour lire mes rants.

It's half past two in the morning, and I'm taking a short break from studying for my French  test in 11 hours. It's...so...weird to do work for once in my life. I got through 17 years of school without doing much of it, got good grades, but now that won't fly here. It's kinda annoying, but meh. Better than writing chapters of Chauvinistic Coquette for days on end...

Well, no. I'd like to be doing that right now. But it'll have to wait until I skulk back home to my dorm after my test.

I dunno. I got an 80% on my composition, and I feel like I'm two chapters behind. Well, I was when I wrote it. Now I'm essentially caught up. Il n'y a pas temp de relaxer...pas du tout. There is no time to relax anymore? I think that's what I wrote =x

I am thinking about studying abroad in France during Sophomore year. That'd be kewl. And I'm also thinking about taking a very long break from CC once I get to a certain point. idk. I need some more time to grow with the story without it being finished so I can come back and yell at my horrid writing skills a fortnight before. That, and I need some time to like...get out of this laptop. This world, even. Would I lose this oomph I have? No.

I mean, look at me. I have two posters on my wall, one of Fleur, one of Hermione, and the posters are overlapping so my lovelies can be together. I'm on some insane writing streak of uploading a chapter a day of CC at this point, on top of balancing college. Every time they let us space out during class, I'm doodling Hermione and Fleur holding hands, kissing, or whatever else. Someone even complimented me on my doodles, mind you (I actually know how to draw!) And if I had the option of locking myself away from the world and writing fanfiction without interruption, I'd take it.

That says a lot about me. Yes, I am obsessed with these women. I ain't ashamed. I'd scream it to the world and spit on anyone's face who'd even think to spite me for it. There's just so much to do with so little time, and I am seriously considering drowning myself in other things to broaden my horizons a little before I plunge into finishing CC. Not because I don't care about it. I just want it to be...perfect.

Mainly because I'm not sure I will ever write again after I finish it. Reviews are scarce in the femmeslash department, even though a LOT of people read it. Or at least they read my work =/ But it's still irritating.

The best time to edit your work is after you forget it, or so says Voltaire. So I may take his advice one day soon. You've been warned.

I'm kinda sick'y. Early morning/late night writing all summer finally catching up to me. My stomach hurts. Though it probably has something to do with what someone cooked two weeks ago. Stomach's still upset over that. "Oh I threw out the macaroni salad cuz it's no good anymore. I hope you didn't eat any."

Meh... on another note, I need to add in my updates of fics before the day is over. Yeah. *edit* did that. yay!

life's a bitch 'cause if it was a slut it'd be easy.


again:

Sexe en Papier has been nominated for The Quibbler Awards under Best FemSlash and Best AU!! Go vote for my story and others under the different categories on August 26th through September 9th! Here is the site: http://quibbler.this-paradise.com/index.php

tho I already won best femslash. Noone else went against me, lawl. so I'm hoping I get best AU. Though Titanic is not very original...bleh. It's the ONLY story nominated that has a pairing with someone other than Harry, Draco, Hermione, Severus, and Remus. Yay for being different! And I'm the only femslash author on there. Schweet~

gogo voting!
 

Fanfiction.net won't let me log in! I've been panicking all damn day about it! But apparently, I'm not the only one who's having this problem. I thought it was strange that I woke up and had no reviews for my chapters.... le sigh.

I guess I'll just finish off the rest of my chapter in a private post until I can get the other half from my Documents on the site. UGH this is LAME!!!