| One wayward dream can have an astounding effect on me.
In case you don't know, I had a huge crush on, or may have even been in love with, a girl named Antoinette. No, I don't think I still do. But I had a dream about her yesterday that made the angst in chapter 59 of CC possible.
She and I were in a house, in a large room, just...being friendly. Hugging, laying on each other, laughing, talking, etc. Blankets were abundant, but we were just on the floor. I think it's because of how many times I've described Fleur and Hermione sitting and talking in bed. The odd thing is that I woke up with a strange acid in my throat, like I was about to throw up. Then I started listening to this song and I cried for three hours in between trying to write that chapter.
She knows how I felt. That's not the problem. I just thought I was over her, then I suddenly have a dream about her and she's all I think about, just like the old days. I'm pretty damn sure she's the first and only one I've ever felt something extremely powerful for. Funny this is that she's single now. But she's straight, and she's stubbornly refusing to keep up with high school chums, me included. I'm essentially doing the same thing, so I'm hardly concerned about her motives.
I'm going back home for the holidays, and now I just can't stop wondering if I should go talk to her mom. She won't be back until after me, and I don't really want to see her. But you know, there is a part of me that knows I'd take her if she'd have me. I mean, come on...she's attractive as hell, and I know that she's a wonderful person. I just hate unrequited love. I hate that I even loved her to begin with.
When I first wrote CC, I made Fleur into the image of Antoinette that I was afraid of if I told her how I felt. Hermione's frustration mirrors my own. Her worries about keeping Fleur's attention, not being good enough for her, hating herself for loving her to begin with...that's me. I'd been trying to put that in the back of my mind, and the back and forth struggle they had was essentially my struggles in a nutshell. In a more metaphorical sense, I suppose.
But you know what...this may be just the kick I need to keep CC going with the same force. I'm honestly tempted to just delete everything else and never write again after CC. I did mention that in a post earlier, but not the deleting part. I feel that Raspberry doesn't really represent me as a person anymore. I've grown so much more with CC. Sexe en Papier was just a fluke one shot I wrote on my high school graduation day that turned into so much more. Queen of Hearts...random plot bunny. Loveless and all of my other stories here they're just...bleh.
Um, alright...I've made up my mind.
I'm going to stop Raspberry. I can't write it anymore. There are no ideas for 6th year besides training. I know people are going to be disappointed, but it's been two weeks since I've updated and I don't have an ounce of ideas for it.
Anyway, when I go back home for break, I have until January 5th 'till college starts up again. I may spend most of it prepping for classes. A lot of writing will be included in my break, of course. And...just trying to grow up a little more. I'm 18 but I don't feel like an adult at all. Just a lost teenager with so many responsibilities and expectations, really. I love writing CC, but it won't put clothes on my back. I love it more than anything and everything I've ever loved, Antoinette included. I refuse to give up on it; it WILL be finished. And it's going to be long. I'm nowhere near being done with it yet.
As for Antoinette...I'll ask her to read it when it's done. Until then, I'll be writing it for her. |
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