( dancing mad )My Muse left me here. God bless its safe return.

Yeah, I'm still alive. Sorry for being MIA and whatnot, but I must admit that I'm still in dire need of a break. My sabbatical days are almost over considering college starts up again on Monday and I'll be a sophomore (second year). Classes aren't looking too hard at all -- Intro Astronomy class, intro Spanish class (for the easy A) and a high-level Creative Writing class. Femslash will be making its breakthrough in the latter, I guarantee it. I bet my Professor'll be sick of it by the end of term, but I know I'll pass with flying colours. The girlfriend and I are still together and we're doing fine just in case you're wondering.

Uhm, but yes, as for that ramble. It's starting now. Not too long, not too short...

For starters, I apologise for being the most indecisive fanfic author on the planet. Adding new stories and taking them down, adding them again, waiting a week, taking them down again... It often has absolutely nothing to do with the reviews I get for the aforementioned stories; I just don't like what I write most times. I was even going to take down CC at various intervals during that five month hell bliss of writing it, but I never did. I went through a lot, writing that, writing Raspberry, writing the Vertigo trilogy. I wrote SO much last year that it's no wonder my fingers are on the backburner this half of the year.

Raspberry was my breakthrough for fanfic. I'd never really written much of anything before that, save for a few Final Fantasy fics (het ones!!) years ago, and a Yuna/Rikku one three months prior. I used to cringe at Raspberry, but that stopped a few weeks ago. I don't really know where it came from, but it became so natural for me to reject anything I'd written that wasn't as recent as humanly possible. There started a cycle of me rejecting anything I wrote five minutes ago. Here and now was so important that I began to burn my roots, and ultimately the entire tree altogether. Reviews seemed like they were good enough to fill the gaps of the steadily burning trunk, but they were a false substitute. Poor ones at that.

Irritation arose whenever I didn't get 397242028 reviews after one day of posting something new. I wasn't trying to please any audience, any one person except for myself. That fundamental rule of writing never changed for me, but my motivation went to shits whenever I didn't have a new review in my inbox. And then I began to scorn het and slash fics because the writer would have maybe 10 chapters and 100 reviews for each. Numbers started to rule me, I suppose. The bright side was that I improved tremendously in my fury and apathy that femslash was so horribly underrated, but I was never good enough for myself.

And that's why, ladies and ladymen, I'm on a break. I'm deeply inspired by the lengthy and moving PMs and e-mails I've received in as little as a month since I started this vacation, and I've again gone back to my roots and realized that the first step to getting rid of something is admitting I have a problem. Everyone knows that, but I didn't want to admit it. I bottled it up along with my pride and took stories down with me. I bet I piss people off whenever I remove stories, and I bet I probably took the final straw when I took down Sexe en Papier out of spite. I didn't like that that story did so well because I didn't feel I wrote it to the best of my ability. But what I forgot was that while I was writing it I swore it was the best thing ever written...and that's what counts. I'd forgotten all about that in my race against myself for improvement.

That's my confession. Now every little thing I've written about Fleur and Hermione is on my fanfic page (except for Loveless and Raspberry...those are staying here). I don't know when it'll be updated with something new, as I have promised other fics, but you know. I'll eventually start work on Crimson Lies once I feel that I'm ready. Until then, I'll still be here and my e-mail connected to my fanfic account won't be going unchecked. Thanks if you read all this.

Peace out, kids.